i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
