cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
