yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
