i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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