He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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