i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
