I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
