what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
