my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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