I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
