She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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