I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize