five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
