Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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