I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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