I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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