I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.