Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
