why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
