If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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