I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
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I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
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He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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