it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
