I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
