Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
