Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Randomize
