I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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