fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
