Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I am mentally ready for anal.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
