Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
