Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
