Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
