I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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