you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
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Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
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dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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