did you get engaged???
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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