If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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