So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
