Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
