i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Reggie can tackle my bush.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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