I wannas sexs uuuuu
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
