the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
