I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
