i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
