i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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