You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
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i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
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I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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