If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
