Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
