im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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