Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
