i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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