i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
