Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Randomize
