Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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