u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
