WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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