Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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