Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
