I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
