I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
