Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
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I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
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I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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