If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
